There are moments when we may be betrayed or hurt by a friend, relative, or loved one. When we are betrayed or broken, it makes us feel angry or hold a grudge and begin to see that individual as bad- in a negative way. Sometimes we vow not to talk to this individual. We may even think differently about people who bear the offender’s name. This goes a long way to affect our perception and eventually affects our judgment since we already hold a prejudiced mind. This wreaks havoc on our physical and mental health. For example, when an offender appears around us, our mood changes.
Instead of holding on to this grudge or anger, we can let it go through compassion. Learning to let go of anger through anger helps us to replace them with feelings of compassion and forgiveness. It also allows us to develop genuine empathy and concern for the offender while still acknowledging the hurtfulness of the offense and the offender’s need for growth or healing.
We must try this practice of letting go of anger through compassion. But first, we must change how we think about the offender. Research suggests that when people view offenders as fallible human beings who misbehave, not that he is a bad people and have the potential to change, they experience emotional and physiological benefits, such as increased positive emotions and a more stress-resilient cardiovascular system.
Van Oyen Witvliet and colleagues recommend steps to let go of anger through compassion. They recommend 5 minutes of practice at a time. This exercise can also be repeated each time one finds oneself ruminating on an experience when one was hurt.
- Find a quiet place to sit. Relax for two minutes, breathing in and out naturally. During each time exhale, focus on the word “one.” Keep your arms, legs, and body still.
- Identify a time in the past when another person hurt or offended you.
- For the next two minutes, think of the offender as a human being who misbehaved. Even if the relationship cannot be restored, try to genuinely wish this person experiences something positive or healing. Even though it may be hard, focus your thoughts and feelings on giving a gift of mercy or compassion. Be consciously aware of your thoughts, feelings, and physical responses, as you can cultivate compassion, kindness, and understanding for this person.
Writer: Dr. Etepe Dugah